Thursday, August 25, 2011

Do you ever just feel DOWN?

Yesterday I had a very “off” day.  And, it seems like – lately – I’ve been having them more often than not.  I hate those days --- days when I feel out of control – like there’s no way I can possibly accomplish everything that needs done around here, my kids seems to be sparring all the time lately, my pants are too tight, and all I want to do is eat ice cream and sleep.

I know some of these are signs of depression. For now, though, I’ll try to pass it off as PMS.  I’m in denial.  I don’t want to be depressed.  I want to be happy.  I want to plan a trip to Walt Disney World – the happiest place on my earth (even if that phrase was originally coined for Disneyland). I want to have a successful school year and enjoy learning with my kids.  I want to be more flexible and learn to “educate the wholehearted child” (more on that in a later post).  I want to clean and organize my house and be content here. 

As I was laying in bed last night, trying to fall asleep and fighting back tears, I realized that yesterday’s date may have subconsciously played a part in my “down-ness”.  There are certain dates that cause you to think “two years ago on this date . . .” or “5 months from today . . .”  Do you know what I mean? 

I can’t really go into details about why yesterday’s date might have depressed me.  But, suffice it to say that sometimes I feel like the world around me is just moving on and I’m still stuck in  time.  So much has transpired in our lives over the past 2 or so years – some of it good, some of it bad  – yet we keep pressing on.  I miss the way things used to be.  Yet, I don’t want to be the only one who is stuck.

Am I the only one who ever feels like this?  I’m being transparent here, friends.  I don’t have it all together.  I’m not the perfect homeschool mom.  In fact, I’m not the perfect anything.  I don’t even know if I should post this on my blog (I don’t want you thinking that I’m some kind of wacko – really, I do have good days too!) – but I’m going to, in the hopes that maybe one of you can relate and/or offer some words of wisdom!

16 comments:

Kayla said...

Yes, Heidi! I do feel that way...many times. I did a post about this kind of thing a few months ago - I had a stillborn baby 12 years ago...and I had been doing fine - long story a little bit shorter - we moved out of state 2 years ago - my sister went to the cemetary and took pictures of my son's grave for me and I fell apart. I struggle sometimes with living in the moment and REALLY appreciating all the blessings that I am currently living with...I struggle with trying not to say....things would be better....if only....so, you, my dear, are not alone. All of us homeschooling moms have the extra burden of feeling like we need to single handedly show the world that we are not screwing up our kids and us modern, homeschooling mamas, have the added burden of showing the world that "we can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan". When really we should be letting God use us - warts and all....sadness and all...Disney love and all....for HIS glory!

Kristenph said...

No Heidi, you are definitely not the only one who has days (or more) like that. Sometimes I wonder if being too busy triggers it. But then there are times when I'm not busy and feel even worse. So who knows?

I'm not the perfect homeschool mom either. I've been reminded of that this week with a vengeance as we started back to school.

Lynn @ TDHGP said...

Oh how your words resonate in my heart. Have you been peering in on my life lately? I know exactly what you mean.

There are dates that stick like thorns in my life -- my best friend died of cancer and rocked my world five years ago, my life came tumbling down and GOD came rushing in almost four years ago, the little squares on the calendar sometimes mock me and poke me as I remember things I'd love to forget.

It's time to be starting school again and I'd rather hide out in the bedroom that needs to be cleaned. Oh, Heidi, I understand. Thank you for being brave and being transparent and being real.

It's a comfort to know I'm not alone. And that we will survive because "this too shall pass."

Dawn said...

I too can relate. I have been trying to convince myself that I am not depressed...but I'm not so sure. But I'll just keep walking, with the Lord, and see where we end up. Thank you for being transparent...it helps us to connect and know we are NOT the only ones. Blessings and prayers my friend!

Susan said...

Heidi,
Please don't every apologize for being transparent. I know that it's hard to just be "real" in a public place like the internet, it's hard to put yourself in that vulnerable place and to risk rejection. Thank you for being honestly you and please know that I treasure you.

A couple of months ago I was at my my brother's son's 1st birthday party, fighting back the tears because my sister-in-law's mom pointed out how much my little Peter looks like my brother...and my brother looks just like my Dad. Dad died almost 7years ago, about 10 months before Peter was born. Sometimes I feel like there's a piece of Dad in Peter and it's hard to not mourn my father when I look into his eyes.

We're all of us broken. Please don't ever think that you're more broken than the rest of us. {{{hugs}}}

brandyb said...

I think the memories of some things (good and bad) are seared into our brains with a hot iron. Moments we wish could last forever, things we wish would have never happened, things we would do differently. A lot has transpired in my life over the last 5 years, some of it very painful, and some things I am still in the midst of. We all have days when we are just down...there's nothing wrong with it. I think it's much better to acknowledge what you feel, than to try to deny it. And it helps to know that others feel this way too.

GrumpysPixie said...

Dear heart, you are not alone. There are many of us that have those blah days. So days are harder than others. But I beg you to not chalk it up to just depression. I went through a really bad patch of days and, after 2 years of being evaluated by doctors, I found out that my depression was a symptom of CFS. Now, I'm not saying that everyone going through depression has something else wrong with them, but it's worth looking into. Also ,things happen in our lives that imprint themselves deep. Things can be going smoothly and than out of no where we feel leveled and without a reason why, until we start to think about it. Those are the days we need our family the most. Take time out and have a picnic with the fam, a little game of tag or flag football, or maybe just a Disney family movie night with themed snacks. Sometimes getting back to the center of our hearts is all we really need to pull us out of our funks. I send you well wishes and as much Pixie Dust as you can handle. xox

Tara said...

You're a brave girl for being so bold with your openness. Good for you... As hard as it is, I hope that it has brought you some relief to have people stand with you.

I've had an 'almost' down day. Days where you are just teetering on the brink, took a nap and set aside some of my to do list for some quiet time. It's not easy.

Sometimes there are just things in our life that change us, break us... and don't let go. I get it. I've been there. Some days we just move forward, only because the people around us need us to. Sometimes those days are few and far between, sometimes they just pile up one upon another.

I hope today is better than yesterday... and tomorrow even better still. I'll be praying for you!

Athena said...

Sending love and hugs-I completely understand (especially the ice cream and sleep part). You have an overly-full plate, probably more than most of us, and I'm sure it can get overwhelming. Prayer can do wonders, as you know, so let us pray for you! I will!

Anonymous said...

HI HEIDI. You are not alone i have had those days i had a still born 31 years ago a daughter and then in 2004 i lost my mom to lung cancer that really took alot out of me both those things did.maybe you do have depression see your doctor don't let it go i am doing better i am getting out doing things i know its hard again you are not alone. i am on facebook i would be happy to be your friend thats if you have facebook michelle willey

Kelly said...

Heidi, mom to mom friend to friend...you are not alone. As women we take on SO much and have to put on a happy face. I am always referring to it as Stepford Wives face. It is not easy being home with kids and not being able to do all you want to do. You are really not your own boss as a SAHM the kids are...lol. Try to take care and know that you are not alone. Hugs to you!

MaMa's Southern's Abundant Homeschool said...

My dear friends Heidi,
I can relate very much to what you are saying. I have those times too, my friend! We all do.. though when we are knee deep and in the midst of it it's hard to see our way out of it. Keep your eyes on Him...

Heidi... said...

Knowing that I am not alone encourages me much! Thanks for being transparent!

Debs said...

Oh yes Heidi!! I feel your pain!!You have so much on your plate right now it's no wonder you're feeling down. It's ok to feel depressed sometimes.
Give yourself a hug and a time-out from everything and everyone. A good cry feels great. Go for the ice cream and PJs or whatever YOU want to do, just don't suppress it. We're here for ya'{{hugs}}} & pixie dust heading your way!!!

Jesse, said...

Hugs, mama!! Sometimes I think we get so busy and want things just "so" and when it's not working out IRL the same way it works out in our head, it's easy to get frustrated and feel down. I also think that's the way God reminds us to be sure we are seeking His will and what is in our head is what is matching up with His plan! I totally get you on the "2 years ago.." I have a couple of those in my life and when I start feeling in a funk, I always check the calendar.

I will be praying for peace for you mama! You are not alone...I think more of us feel like this than many of us ever care to admit IRL, let alone online. I always tell myself when I'm reading "perfect" blogs, that their dirty laundry piles must be really, really, big!! LOL

Jodi said...

I'm so sorry you were sad, and having a down day, and I didn't even know. :( I hope that you are cheering up some today, and know how many people love you and are thinking of you. I am praying that your heart is no longer hurting and that you are feeling the peace and comfort of friends, family, and most of all Christ. Love you friend!

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